TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Employees Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That's the vision behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious real estate property calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Impression catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are conversing Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It's going to be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golfing cart Zoom call, streamed through the putting eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We have had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we're making them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in the falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely out of position. Built by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Along with a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let us have One more location wherever American men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas policy analysts are contacting this quite possibly the most audacious peace attempt considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. When former negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: offer you Everybody a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In line with paperwork published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be comfortable power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants much less diplomats plus more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Global Trump Tower Damascus watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in each unit. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open a tower in a war zone. It's that he ought to cease making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested about the task, replied, "You already know, man, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent folks. Wonderful tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Pics Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit discovered that the hotel's landscaping sorts a large Trump head obvious from Area, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits following finding the building's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fireplace to a local melon cart.


"It truly is not simply hideous. It is a war crime with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing along with other Bewildering Features


Perhaps the strangest element of the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium exactly where visitors may perhaps ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with local weather Management set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to help make of the. "Is she a ghost?" asked twelve-12 months-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Strategy: "For those who Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad campaign, recently leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. Just one poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A recent SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% explained "in which's the closest elevator for the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting attention from Worldwide traders, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll purchase three penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage can even involve:




  • A Greenback Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait around to determine a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades in place of rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a lodge wherever my PTSD might have convert-down assistance."


A further write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China could open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to make a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Closing Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It wanted gold. It desired a waterslide shaped similar to the Constitution. I gave everything a few. You're welcome."

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